Daily Silly Status

Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.

I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.

I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.

Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.

Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.

I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.

Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.

Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.

I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.

My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!

Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)

If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.