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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
I`m so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
Guy advice #221: Starting a load of laundry in the washing machine and then starting a load in the dryer counts as `2 loads` - just sayin`!
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.