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This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
Party like you will never be invited to another!
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?