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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Find someone you`re good at.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
I got 99 problems but a least my name aint North West.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car