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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
If one goes to online college, do they have to haze them self?
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I wonder if Batman knows that other cities have crime, too.
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
I`m so bitchy right now ... I won`t even talk to myself!!
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".