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It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?