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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
Just in case you are wondering ... I did not go to Jared.
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
"are you as bored as I am?" if you read that backwards, it still makes sense.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
I laugh in the face of normal.
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...