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I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
ROFL!!….. LOL jk i’m still in my chair.
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn`t eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he couldn`t whine on FB.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn`t eat.
U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. how many fish do you have?? stop counting smart one fish can`t drown
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.