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Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
make little things count. teach midgets math.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out Iām not fat. Iām a panda.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.