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If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
Who else`s favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
One day we the women will rap the men lets see how they like it!
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.