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I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
I don`t even think it`s possible for a bear to cook porridge.
I was born at a very early age.
50% of people believe sex is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are men.
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but I’m trying to be proactive.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.