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When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
It`s okay, Web MD. I don`t really know what`s wrong with me either.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
Does anyone know how much water I`m supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
The problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven`t had any yet.
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!