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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.