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I don`t care about your status...
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
It`s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
I once dated a Rockette with Tourette`s. Talk about kicking and screaming!