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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.