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Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
I learned two important lessons today. I can`t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
When your feeling down, I will be there to feel you up. ;)
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"
They say love is in every corner… Then my life must be a freakin’ circle.