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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?
I cant remember the last time i forgot something
Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
It`s been few days since I heard from the voices in my head, I think it`s the calm before the storm. Some big sh!t is gonna go down!!
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
May all of us be as good looking/ beautiful as we look on our FB profile pic..
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.