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That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
The problem with trouble is that it always starts out as fun.
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on