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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
I read Facebook for the pictures.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
The problem in general terms is that people suck.
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.