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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
"I know im the best driver on the road" thinks every guy.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don`t want to see naked.
If I’ve offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize. I honestly didn’t think you could read.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.