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If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
I`ve been building my own particle accelerator. Plan to create a boson particle. Explore the mysteries.....you know what? This is a lot of work. Think I`m just going to have a beer and play Call of Duty.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.