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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
My safe word is letsgetmarried.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
dude i wasent tht drunk you were huging a peice of chese saying ill never let u go sponge bob
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"