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Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
I`d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.