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It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
I`m so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
I`m a Leader not a follower. Unless it`s a dark place...then you`re going first!
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
My innocent look never works in the nude.
If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
Your pants say yoga but your a$$ says McDonalds!!
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.
Trail Mix: M&Ms with obstacles