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I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
Why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?
A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
Facebook is the best place to say whatever you want. If it doesn’t go over well you can just say you were hacked.
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.