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Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
I hardly know you…. but, Facebook says it’s your birthday, so happy birthday!
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree.
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.
It was so cold out today i actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.