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Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
when i was little my dad told me that the icecream man only played music when he ran out of icecream well played dad well played
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.