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Your personality needs alcohol.
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
Save your breath ... You`ll need it later to blow up your date.
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it`s rather obvious they didn`t excel at coloring as a kid ...
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly