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They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?