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I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
There are four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Fried 4. Drive-thru
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!