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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Another funny thing about this status is when you finally realize that it talks about nothing? its all ready too late to stop reading. lol
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel