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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Lazy Rule #23 :No Shower Is Needed, If your Not Going Anywhere...
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!