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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
I fake my lol`s