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From this point on, all postings of pictures of waffles will be considered a personal invitation.
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
I’m quite confident that the reason I’m single is because I didn’t forward that chain letter in 2003.
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people