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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.