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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude. Church is boring.
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
Still no news on the royal baby. One will assume its being delivered by Royal Mail
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
Seems like I can`t go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink