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I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
It`s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.