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I just can`t help it ... Sarcastic bitch is built-in.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.