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Please excuse me for talking while you were interrupting.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
Just watched The Grey. The wolves left half the Mexican .. to spicy??
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.
I had a very confident breakdown today. ...Wasn`t nervous at all. ;)
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.
I play hard to get along with.