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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
Click Like, if you hate being told what to do.
Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. I’m really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.
Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
If she can cook like her mother and drink like her father, she`s a keeper.
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.