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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I`ll be just fine.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"