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If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
No, I don`t have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Is Nudeism a religion?
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.