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wonders how you can knock sense into someone when you`re beating them senseless?
I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.
Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
I refuse to jump on the `I hate Mondays` bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!