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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
I love all religions. They bring holidays .
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.