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They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn`t know you...
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.