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I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
It needs more cowbell!!
Do you really have to breath that much?
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.