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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
You don`t look like 200 likes in person
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?