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I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.
After visiting the gov`t healthcare site, I don`t know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"