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If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
My favorite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.
I’m not surprised you’re having problems I had a bad experience with your reality once too.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.