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If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
Hello...
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
??q? uo p??oq??? ? ?nq i ??i? ?s?? ??? si si??
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever