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Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
Still waiting for the moment when there will be a "add to wishlist" button on people`s facebook profile !!
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
I hate when I`m admiring my good looks from a car`s window reflection and the people inside think I`m staring at them.
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.