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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
There is a 3-for-2 sale in my local shoe shop. I almost bought myself a new pair of shoes, but couldn`t decide whether to get an extra left or a right one as part of the offer....
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug