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Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet ... I get hungry.
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Three guys walk into a bar. Two ended up with a concussion, the other needed 4 stitches.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.