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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"
I don´t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.