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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
I think I may be getting harder to love.