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To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
They call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.