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As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
I`m great in bed....i can sleep for days.
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional