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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
Stop complaining about being single!!, we have bigger problems here. Like why McDonalds don`t serve breakfast after 10:30 -.-
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So incase you were wondering. ...41, guys,...that`s the limit.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
Iām back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner