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I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.
I`m getting really tired of being really tired of stuff.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
I can`t wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high when shopping online.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.