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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
If 3 people have sex, it`s called a 3-some. If 2 people have sex, it`s called a 2-some. I guess we now know why they call you HAND-some.
is ready to have one too many!