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Happy New Years Everyone! (I stole this status:) )
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
I can tell by your boobs that you`ve never seen a bar tab.
I`ve found that nowadays most people don`t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don`t know them.
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
I`m not opposed to manscaping, but I don`t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.