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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
They call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
Picking and choosing who to say happy birthday to since 2006, thanks Facebook!
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed," many women still sleep with their husbands.
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
Today, I am doing my part to conserve energe, I’m going back to bed.
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.