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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
Ah Friday...my second favorite "F" word!
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
Seven years ago today I swallowed bubblegum ... I`ll keep you all posted.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.