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DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I got BOMBED last night and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I`m getting 4 million dollars back this year!
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.