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I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
Nothing ruins hump day like not getting humped.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
I don`t get why girls get so offended by sexist jokes..I think they are just ovary-acting. Seriously..