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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
When I was growing up, I was taught to walk and talk and when I was grown, I was told to sit down and STFU!!!
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?