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Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.