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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
I have an inferiority complex, but it`s not a very good one.
I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
I might be a day late and a dollar short, but it is still my personal best.
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
Why do they call a grapefruit a grapefruit? I mean there is already a fruit called a grape!!
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?