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Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
I`m not opposed to manscaping, but I don`t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
If you’re so much better than the leading brand then why are you not the leading brand?
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.