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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
I burn bridges to keep those crazy bastards from following me.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!