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Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
people live & people die, but in the the end we still get high.. so if in life you dont succeed, F*CK it All & smoke some WEED ?
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Why isn’t the default for online shopping “view all”? Who likes to skip through 20 pages of only 12 items…
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.