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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
I like the parts of the day when food happens.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
I do not gossip ... I pass things along ... It`s like a public service.
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
I need u to do me a favor... Stand in front of my car please... I need to test my brakes :)
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally