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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
Have a day. That`s about as inspirational I get.
FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn`t mean I`m stalking you...It just means you haven`t looked nice in awhile
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.
What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?