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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
Sometimes I whisper, "I´m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
Never laugh at your wife`s choices. You are one of them :)
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.